Title: Roller Boogie
CinemaBandits Title: Broken Ankles and Sweaty Spandex Everywhere!

CinemaBandits Review: Thank God for Star Wars!!!

I've always loved the Star Wars original trilogy, but this movie really gives a deeper meaning to that adoration. Star Wars mania swept the nation in the late 70's. It was everywhere. Toys, posters, TV, fashion... literally, everywhere.

And thank the Lord it was!!!

For, if that crazy young filmmaker George Lucas hadn't chosen the late 70's to release that iconic film franchise, Roller Boogie would've been the movie that defined that period...

...and instead of me wearing the same Star Wars t-shirt every year for my school picture, I would've been wearing tiny little shiny spandex shorts. My grandma would still have pictures of me in my pre-pubescent hot-shorts hanging on her walls right now.

Thank you sweet Jesus!!!

Don't get me wrong here, Roller Boogie has a positive message... If you put enough girls in tight clothes into your movie, it doesn't matter how bad it is, it'll get made!

(Linda Blair must've gone through a crap-load of razors while making this film, 'cause those outfits are quite snug... in every area.)

I can't fault Ms. Blair for taking this stinky cheese-filled tortilla of a movie. She got to learn how to rollerskate to Cher disco songs. She got to go bra-less for months. She got to star in a movie with Jim Bray... Yes, that Jim Bray. The actor who went on to star in absolutely nothing else. Nothing. Ever.

And if it wasn't for that perky little Carrie Fisher as Princess Leia in that dang slave-girl outfit, we'd all have grown up with visions of Linda skating around in gold lamáy dancing in our heads. Linda Blair would've been the one that grew up a horribly-adjusted Hollywood brat who wrote a few tell-all books about her cocaine/vodka infused showbiz life.

Instead, Linda was relegated to a few appearances on Battle Of The Network Stars and prison films with David Hasselholf where her top keeps falling off.

Well, I guess that ain't so bad.



Funky Burrito Rating: (7 of 10) Funky Burritos.

For all of you who don't want to sit through Roller Boogie...
Movie In About A Minute Or Two... or... El Cinema Minuto:

Title: Pieces
CinemaBandits Title: Can't Find The Perfect Woman? Make Your Own!

CinemaBandits Review: A killer is terrorizing a small college campus with a chain-saw. Campus security keeps finding dismembered girls all over the place. It's just a mess.

They call the police, but the cops can only spare 2 officers. Really, you can't expect law enforcement to drop everything to try to catch a serial killer... they've got things to do... like filing, and typing, and decorating the precinct headquarters!

Who's gonna plan Officer Ken's birthday party?!? Priorities, people!

How convenient, then, that this college employs maybe the most creepy-one-eyed-heavy-breathing-giant gardener ever! (who just happens to carry a chain-saw with him constantly)

Case solved, right?

Not so fast, Steven Seagal!

Sure, the creepy-one-eyed-heavy-breathing-giant gardener just happens to be present at each and every murder scene... and, sure, the creepy-one-eyed-heavy-breathing-giant gardener runs away from the police every chance he gets... but we know a red-herring when we see one. And so do the police.

So they hatch an ingenious plan:

They'll hold a tennis tournament at the college. They'll invite roughly 2 tennis players... a retired professional tennis star (who happens to now work as a police detective) & a 15 year old girl (who, after watching her play, seems to have never even seen a tennis racket before). The tournament will attract 7 or 8 people. Surely, one of those people will be the killer!

Well, as unlikely as it may seem to you and me (and anyone else on the face of this planet except for the writer of the plot), this plan actually works! For some reason, the tournament suddenly plays a John Philip Sousa march at the volume of a jet fighter engine. The killer becomes so enraged by that deafening tuba, he kills again!

Band instrument induced homicide!

Unfortunately, in all the celebration, nobody seemed to notice the 15 year old tournament runner-up being hacked up over in the corner.

Oh well.

They eventually catch & kill the maniac and find out what he's been doing with all the parts he's been taking from the dead girls... piecing them together to make a new one in his closet!

The End.

Not so fast, Jean-Claude Van Damme!

Suddenly, the pieced together body they find miraculously comes to life, jumps up, and attacks the man-parts of an innocent hapless student!!!

The End.

Seriously. The movie just stops.


Funky Burrito Rating: (6 of 10) Funky Burritos.

For all of you who don't want to sit through Pieces...
Movie In About A Minute Or Two... or... El Cinema Minuto: